I wasn’t satisfied with the last letter I wrote to you, mainly because I couldn’t write enough to express myself that day. The medication and the pain were interfering not only with my ability to write but with my ability to think as well. I was so disappointed with myself after I wrote it, but I was already late in delivering your present, and so I let you have it; but not this time. Now, my injuries have almost healed; I am on regular medication and I am putting the incident behind me. This is to make up for the lack of expression on my part. This isn’t just for you, though. I want you to have a proper gift, a memory, but I want to be at peace with myself also. Knowing that I expressed myself in a just manner to you will be a great relief, so here it goes.
New Year; it will always remind me of you. The moment I saw you, on the 31st day of December of the year 2012, I was interested. I wanted to know who you were, what you did, where you came from, but most importantly, whether you’ll stay. I brushed off the vibe I got from you several times because it was too good to be true. It was too good to be true that a gorgeous soul like yours could possibly notice me – love was a faraway thing!
I spent a good hour noticing you before I actually approached you. The way you walked and conducted yourself, where you went, who you spoke with… I was just so captivated by you. I still don’t know why that happened. All I did was look at you. You’re a beautiful person, really, but it was not just your looks that had me that day. I don’t know what it was! All that time, I didn’t even know your name. When we finally sat down to talk, I masked you what your name was, and I don’t know if you noticed this, but the second you told me your name, I smiled. It was almost like a reflex; the sound of your name made me smile. It still makes me smile sometimes…
I mouthed your name a couple of times after you said it and then introduced myself to you. The complete attention you gave me that day was an exhilarating feeling. You excited me for no particular reason; how do you do that? You’re incredible! I think we hit off so well only because you made me feel so comfortable and so wanted. Nobody has ever made me feel so wanted. The way you treated me was so different, so special… I was in awe of you! You’re a charming person, to say the least and you can works your charms just fine, trust me! I have been on the receiving end; you’re so natural in your ways, I love it! That is one thing I still love about you; you know what you’re doing.
As far as you know me, you must know how much I love words and facts and knowledge and such stuff. Well, I love how incredibly aware you always were of what you did to me. The words you said to me; you picked them out so carefully so you wouldn’t hurt me. The way you touched me, or held me… It always made you seem like you weren’t sure of what you were doing; when in fact you knew exactly what you were doing. You always stopped to check my response to whatever it is you did. That attention to detail paid by you; it was incredible! You know, you observe a lot. And I observed that you observe a lot.
Once, on the terrace, we had been holding each other and just talking for about an hour. We were hugging, actually. We were facing each other, and your hands were over my shoulders, I hugged you at your waist… My head was resting on your chest when you asked me if you could kiss me. I do not know how to describe what I felt at that moment. I gasped, I think. My mind went blank for a second. When I understood what you had just asked me, I smiled and I remembered hoe briefly you had asked me the same question earlier in the day as we texted. I told you that it wasn’t a question you had ask me, you could just do it. And you did. You kissed me on my cheek. It is the sweetest kiss I’ve ever received in my life. It was innocent, and careful. You had come prepared that day, you just wouldn’t do without kissing me, but you made it so comfortable for me to get intimate with you in a very, very short period; and I’m glad you did, because for a girl who had never hugged the opposite sex before, you were a lot of things. You are a lot of memories, a lot of firsts, and no regrets; I love you! Thank you!
The reason I’m telling you this, dear Sno, is that sometimes everyone needs reminders of who they are, and when you tell me that you are not confident enough to go out there and talk to a girl, it breaks my heart. I don’t know if you’ve really put yourself out there after me. Maybe you have, and if you have, I am so happy for you! But if you haven’t, I would rather you did. It’s a big world out there, honey. I want you to experience new things and create memories, do new stuff and learn and grow! I want to see you reach up there and make it big like you’ve always wanted to. I want to see you with that dream car and a big house, a pretty lady by your side…. I want to see you happy!
And here, I’m just trying to remind you that you have all that confidence you’re looking for! You’ve just boxed it up in a rage with perhaps some of our memories, and you don’t want to look into those boxes again because usually when you’re looking for a lost sock, you find the drawing you made in second grade and get all nostalgic about it and forget the sock. But once you’re past the nostalgia, you’ll start looking again and you’ll find it tuck beneath the sheets maybe, I don’t know! Go back sometimes, you’ll find something to learn from, something to cherish.
You don’t need to compare yourself to the guy I fucked twice or to anyone for that matter! You’re just as good as he is; hell, even better! I’ve told you this! I’ve never, ever, ever, ever found another who kisses as well as you. You’re marvelous! The way you talk, and touch; the way you take care of a girl, Sno… Nobody can do it the way you do it. So, if this is the one thing that has troubled you, please get out of your mind and put yourself out there, if not for a commitment, for a little fun! You deserve it, baby, we all do.
I think I might have made my point here. Be you, love yourself. Believe in yourself, Snokudi, because I can believe in you all day and all night, but unless you believe in yourself, it’s pointless. It’s like waiting for Santa all year long, believing he’ll arrive with all those gifts, when Santa just thinks, ‘Eh, I’m too old for this; I’m retiring!’ He won’t budge his ass because he believes he is too old, so it makes no difference whether or not you believe he’ll show up with the gifts! Look, I’m just rambling now, trying to make a point that you are worth it. You are worth everything this universe has to offer, you are worth every breath in your body and you are worth every breath in mine. Trust yourself, babe. Trust yourself like I trusted you once, and love yourself.
I’ll be right here for you. Happy New Year! :*
The Ash that loved you